Separate Bedrooms: The New Retro-Modern

I wrote this blog back in April…

A couple of years ago my husband and I had a huge fight (probably over something stupid) and he moved into the spare bedroom.

To this day he drifts in and out of our boudoir for various reasons:  sex, sleep, intimacy, his bed is not made….  Frankly, I am so used to sleeping alone (well not alone – with 1, 2 or 3 cats) that when he decides to invade my personal space (Isn’t that what marriage is?) without warning, I get absolutely NO SLEEP.

By the time I get acclimated to a warm, non-furry body next to me, he’s gone again because of his crazy work schedule.

Back to the lack of sound sleep….

Girls… you know what I’m talking about.  The burping, farting, snoring and general restlessness of a man is difficult  to look forward to.

My friend tries to convince me that it’s part of marriage and she’ll never go to sleep  without her husband next to her.  I agree – but once you get used to the less smelly, less noisy version of sleep, it’s hard to go back.  I already have to deal with the cats and my own ADHD.  Damn!  I take to 2 Benadryl every night so so I can fall asleep at a decent hour.

I am not a cuddler.  I am always warm and can’t stand the idea of someone snuggled up against me.  Maybe I’m a guy in a chick’s body?  Who knows!

It definitely got me thinking about the past and the practice of separatebedrooms.  My parents always slept in the same bed, but I think the kings and queens of Europe had the right idea.

Are separate bedrooms the new retro modern?

I think so.  Right or wrong.  Good or bad.  I think if it works for you, go for it.  What do you think?  I’d love to hear from you.

By the way, he’s back in the bed….  It was nice while it lasted.

© 2011 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010.

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Related Articles

• Sleep Soundly Tonight: New Surgery May Cure Snoring(fitsugar.com)
• Personal Space (twinisms.wordpress.com)

Related articles

• Partner’s snoring keeping you awake? Take a break (time4sleep.co.uk)
• Is snoring a type of nose problem? (zocdoc.com)
• Does Your Pet Snore? (offtheleashsd.wordpress.com)

ANTM… What Are You Thinking?

Image via Wikipedia

Last night I followed my usual Wednesday night routine by plopping myself down in front of the TV and watching America’s Next Top Model.

The show was progressing d’habitude and then a commercial break.  A man and a woman were watching top model TOGETHER, joking about Allison’s “booty tooch”

Not only was I disturbed by this but I was thoroughly disgusted.  Gross!

I have to practically tie my husband to the chair and force feed him vodka to get him to watch ANTM – and he only succumbs for reruns!  I found myself sneering at the screen and then of course, expressing my disgust as if someone could actually hear me!

I have no idea what they were thinking!  Men watch football.  Women watch Project Runway.  Men watch the History Channel.  Women watch ANTM.

Maybe I’m just old-fashioned… tough!  Get a grip channel 11.  My disgust runs deep.

© 2011 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010.

Related articles

• America’s Next Top Model (All Star Edition): Season 17 Episode 3: Kristin Cavallari – TV Review (screencrave.com)
• Will U Watch: ANTM All Stars? (sassncurlz.com)
• Brady Bunch’s Christopher Knight Divorcing ANTM’s Adrianne Curry (omg.yahoo.com)

More ROOTS than Alex Haley?

When my husband tells me that I have more ROOTS than Alex Haley, I know it’s time to have my hair done.  Yes, it’s true, I’m long overdue, but sitting in the salon for hours and hours is not my idea of fun.

Losing a few hours in the chair is only part of it.  It will cost me +$200 + tip to get a cut, color and highlights and then have to wait a week for my hair to recover from hair-shock before I actually start liking it.  And the color?  The color is NEVER the same.  It’s either too blonde or too red or too ashy or too “not what I wanted”.

My hairdresser is great with color so it must be me.  I never seem to be satisfied with my “do”.  Maybe that’s why I wait so long to go back.  After 3 weeks my roots grow in but I tend to wait months.  Don’t forget about the cost of shampoo, conditioner, Keratin Mist, hair shine, silk infusion, root lift and hairspray.

As women we also have to worry about our nails.  I need to get them done at least once a month (not bad) and that’s not including warm-weather pedicures.  Our eyebrows, among other things,  need to be waxed.  We have to take care of our “stache” and buy a load of face creams, serums, collagen, $24 face wash, tightening lotions and makeup.  Don’t forget about teeth-whitening products and $45 body lotions.  All so we can look good and feel good.

What do men do?  Maybe some moisturizer?  Gel for their hair?  Men are usually not even concerned with changing their skid-marked underwear for a pair of new ones.  Most could care less if they wear brown, blue, black and beige all at the same time.  Yet even though the studies say, women dress for women and not men, we still want to look good for our spouses whether we’re 200 pounds or 100.

If I go out in sweats and no makeup, my husband says, “You’re going out like that?”  Make me feel good why don’t you.  So why don’t they think the same way?  Duh!  Because they’re men.  So ladies, raise your hands if you agree.  Try not to fault them no matter how much they piss you off.   Just love them for who they are…  farting, burping, loving husbands.

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

© 2010 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010.  Republished 2011.

Discourteous Richards: Always Alive & Well in NJ

I love to drive.  I own a BMW for Pete’s Sake.  They say it’s the Ultimate Driving Machine - and it is.  I love to maneuver up the Garden State Parkway sans traffic, put the petal to the metal and enjoy the ride.

With the top down, my IPOD at full blast I am unstoppable until I am hindered by none other than the Left Lane Dick.

The discourteous Richard:

1. has no idea he or she is an idiot retarding your progress.
2. has no clue that it is the law in NJ to keep right and pass left.
3. is from New York or Pennsylvania – notorious Left Lane Dicks.
4. is hanging in the left lane on purpose because he or she really is a douchebag.

Nothing makes me road rage more than a taste of a left lane lagger.

I have a 20 minute drive to work door to door and I find myself losing my mind as I try to fly up the highway.  I tailgate.  I scream.  I swear excessively.  I hand gesture and flip the bird.  I drive with my knee.  I pull up next to people and actually yell at them.  I cut them off.  I lose my mind!

When one of my road adversaries gets cocky and thinks he can scare me by tailgating my pristine automobile, I look in the rear view mirror, gesture to him to come closer, swear a few times, then slam on my brakes.  He usually backs off.

I’m tired of being strong-armed by stupid men and women on the road.  I drive like Mario Andretti – not a typical chick – no offense to my gender or any other but STAY OUT OF THE LEFT LANE!

Even if I’m passing on the left doing 95 mph and someone wants to go faster, I move it on over because that’s the way it should be.  Bottlenecking every single lane of the Parkway does nothing but create traffic and cause road rage.

Don’t we have enough of distractions on the road?  We need eyes up our butts and are distracted by screaming kids (not me), loud music, rubber-necking, LLDs and now the GPS.  It’s always so confusing.  It should stand for Go Ahead And Piss Me Off System.  It finds new ways to screw me up while I’m driving but I have found a new use for it.

I Spy.  Remember that game?  You tell me.  What do you see in my picture?  At least it’s good for amusement purposes.

So with all we have to worry about while driving, I wish we could get rid of the Left Lane Dick and push him into extinction because no one should be held back by a jerk off.

You can use that advice in life too.  Good luck.

© 2010 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010. Re-published 2011.

Related articles

• Are you road rude? Discourteous drivers on the rise, CAA finds (thestar.com)
• Discourteous drivers on the rise, survey finds (ctv.ca)

My Early Morning Rant… And It’s Only Tuesday!

Last night I had terrible insomnia.  Without the use of much-needed Benadryl, I watched TV until I miraculously drifted off to sleep.

At 3 am like clockwork, my bladder beckons me and I roll out of bed, eyes half-closed, dragging my feet, but managing to step on my poor, little kitty Tia pretty damn hard.  Why the hell was she sleeping on the bathroom rug?

As usual 4 am comes early when you have a noisy husband who hates that his wife is home on vacation for 2 months in the summer.  Bang, bang, clack, crash, grrrrind, slam…. and he’s off… and I’m getting up to pee.

I rolled back into bed and Peaches joined me – she must have been looking out the front window.  I called for Tia – the poor kitty I crushed this morning – but she didn’t come.  I heard noise so I naturally assumed she was locked in somewhere.

Sure enough I open the guest room and smack her with door as she was eager to escape.  Poor Tia!

Now I’m really up.  Bailey is not even up yet!

I turn on Clean House: The Messiest Home in America – because frankly, there’s nothing else on at that time of the morning.  Maybe I’ll get motivated.

Oh yeah – let me text John and let him know that he locked the cat in the spare bedroom!

I thought I heard the phone, so I send another text and sure enough… he forgot his phone.  Great way to ignore me for the day!

Well, I might as well get the hell out of bed and make coffee.

As I reached the top of the stairs I noticed that the front door was left ajar once again.  I swear someone is going to come and kill me some day!

I also saw my tennis bag thrown on the floor of the foyer but no tennis racket (I guess that’s still in the car) – he must have taken MY car!

Yep.  The car’s gone and I can’t play tennis without my racket!

Oh well. I’m over it… until I open the fridge and realize that his lunch is still there but my marinating tortellini salad, that I made last night for company today, is gone.  I hid it in the fruit bin too!  So I guess I have to cancel my plans.  So annoyed.

MX@@#r F@@@XX!!!!!!!  XXXOOO@@XV!!!!!!

It’s only 7 am and I’m already pissed off!

So after all that ranting, here’s my recipe for Tortellini Salad.

Jacqui’s Tortellini Salad

1 lb tortellini, cooked and cooled
1 can corn, drained
1 can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 small garden pepper, chopped
a sprinkle each of gray salt, pepper, garlic powder, cumin, ground coriander and salsa seasoning 
extra virgin olive oil

Mix all ingredients in a bowl.  Stir well.  Serve immediately or refrigerate overnight to allow the flavors to meld.

Serves 4-6

It’s easy and tasty, so enjoy!

© 2011 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010.

Related articles

• Summer Garden Tomato Salad (culturechoc2010.wordpress.com)

Baths vs. Showers: The Best Way To Get Wet

When I was little I always wanted to take a big-girl shower.  My mom made me take baths for a long time but I endlessly longed for a that spray of water on top of my head while I opened my mouth to get a taste.

As a teenager, I thought baths were gross.  Sitting there in your own filthy water while an errant hair floats by – YUK!  I could not bear it and I had to have the cleanest OCD tub in NJ.

Adulthood has brought me to the realization that I love baths again.  A bubble bath, an oil bath, a foam bath or a salt bath.  I’ll take them all.  I lower the lights in my bathroom, light some scented candles, pour a glass of Old Vine Zin and try to coax my other half to join me (he never does – I think we need a bigger tub).

I dream about a giant tub for two.  A bathtub where I can stretch out, covered in water from neck to toe (with no parts sticking out).  A soaking tub – with heated jets and aromatherapy – and maybe a sauna or steam to boot.

I’m glad that I haven’t forgotten – or rather can re-appreciate a good old bath and its therapeutic qualities.

What do you prefer?  A bath or a shower?  I still can’t decide the best way to get wet…. well I can, but that has nothing to do with bathing – but that’s another blog.

Image: Filomena Scalise / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

© 2010 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010. Re-published 2011.

Twenties vs. Forties: A Top 20 REVISITED

After having one of those days where I just should have stayed in bed, I pondered my life both then and now and decided to make a side-by-side comparison of

Mom & Me in my twenties

what I wanted from life or did in my twenties and what I want from life or do now that I’m almost 43.

Things change and priorities shift as you get older.  When you have kids they change even more.  As a responsible adult sometimes fun gets put on the back-burner and a once clear-head become non-existent.  I miss that clear-head.

Me in my forties

When I was 20 I was living it up in Paris on my parents’ dime, footloose and fancy free.  My only concern was where the next best soirée would be held and who was going to be on the guest list of my next party.  At 43 I worry about paying my bills, money in general, the health and well-being of my family, my health, taking care of my cats, going to work and the list continues.

So let’s take this point by point so we examine the age gap and maybe now understand what our parents went through with us as cranky teenagers and crankier twenty somethings.

1. 20:  I wanted a hot guy with a hot car.  Hondas need not apply.
   40:  I want my hot guy with his hot car.
2. 20:  I drove a fast 1978 Camaro LT, 350 4-barrel with louvers, air shocks, fat tires and a spoiler.  I had a lead-foot.
   40:  I drive a fast BMW convertible  with fat tires and I still have a lead-foot.
3. 20:  I worked at TSV Video (when I was in the US), watched movies all day, drank wine, flirted with the customers, watched and recommended porno, loved my boss Stan and used to arrange Gumby-like toys in sexual positions on his desk every night.  I rarely had to deal with any bullsh**.  My biggest responsibility was making change and setting the alarm.
   40:  I work as a teacher, enlighten impressionable minds all day, drown in paperwork, drink water or Crystal Light, recommend places to visit in Paris and I’m not commenting on the boss.  I constantly have to deal with bullsh**  from EVERYONE.  My BIG responsibility is other people’s children.
4. 20:  I had a dog.  My parents took care of her and I played with her.
   40:  I have 2 cats and I take care of them:  butt wiping, baths, litter box scooping, trips to the vet, cuddling partner, Mommy, playmate.
5. 20:  I pounded shots.  Many shots.  Body shots.
   40:  I sip good wine.  A lot of wine.  All kinds of wine.
6. 20:  I tried to figured out new ways to get away from my parents.
   40:  I wish I still had both my mom and dad and now love spending time with my Daddy.
7. 20:  I had a Mandee Charge Card and no debt.
   40:  I have too many credit cards to count and debt up the wazoo.
8. 20:  I weighed 120 pounds and ate anything I wanted.
   40:  I’m always on a diet!
9. 20:  I would stay out all night and party.
   40:  I will stay out all night and party but try to get home by 4 so I don’t piss off the husband.
10. 20:  I wanted to be a translator for the U.N. or a big-wig in the international business world.
    40:  I want to keep my teaching job and hope my pension will still be there.
11. 20:  I slathered on baby oil so I could get that deep, dark tan.
    40:  I slather on sun block and skin repairing cream to try to undo the sun damage of yesteryear.
12. 20:  I had big, whorey hair.
    40:  I have big, whorey hair.
13. 20:  Fifty dollars was a lot to spend on shoes.
    40:  Now I try not to spend over $500.
14. 20:  I had no kids.
    40:  I still have no kids (by choice).
15. 20:  I never wanted to go home.
    40:  I can’t wait to get home.
16. 20:  I lived in France and loved it.
    40:  I want to live in France and I still love it.
17. 20:  I had a boyfriend who wanted me to look like a Barbie doll.
    40:  I have a husband who wants me to look like a Barbie doll.
18. 20:  Dressing like a whore was always an option.
    40:  Dressing like a whore is a weekend only option.
19. 20:  I went to the gym almost every day.
    40:  I stare at all the gym equipment in my house and dust it off once and a while.
20. 20:  I stared at myself in the mirror and thought about how hot I looked.
    40:  I stare at myself in the mirror and notice fine lines and aging and think about when I can get my first facelift.

Some things have changed and some things have stayed the same.  I believe age is only a number (even though it keeps creeping around like a bad case of crabs) but with age come wisdom and knowledge.  I’ve heard before that youth is wasted on the young.  I believe it now.  If we only knew then what we know now, we could have ruled the world.

I don’t know about you but I’m not done yet and I still plan on ruling the world.

© 2010 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010. Re-published 2011.

I See… NO I HEAR Dead People

Image via Wikipedia

My husband thinks I’m crazy and maybe by the end of this blog, you will too.

I hear and I feel and sometimes see spirits.  I’m not psychic but I do have psychic tendencies.  I’m sure you have had the same things happen to you at one time or another.

For example:

• My mother and I always knew who was on the phone when it rang.  Whether it was each other or some random call from a friend or family member, we knew it as soon as the phone rang.  And this was pre-caller ID!
• When my mother was hospitalized for her diabetes (she was a brittle diabetic) I tried to call her because I had a funny feeling.   I couldn’t reach her so I frantically called the nurses’ station at the hospital and demanded that they check on her immediately.  Well, I was right.  She went into such severe sugar shock and had I not called… well, the scenario is not a good one.
• When one of my cats is doing something wrong, I know that he or she is up to no good and catch him or her in the act every single time.  I’m sure some of you have that same feeling with your kids.  My mother did with me and she was always right.

After my father’s dog died I would go over and see shadows of a dog walking around his house.  My mom and dad saw it too.

When I moved into my new house I used to feel someone sit on the bed and then get up.  I thought it was a cat – but each time I woke up to look there was no cat.  I told my husband and he poo-pooed me as usual.
When my parents were staying over my mom told me the exact same story of someone sitting on her bed.  She woke up – no cat.  My father felt nothing.  I never told her about my ghostly suspicions but yet she had the same experience at my house.

Wait…. it gets much better.

During the ghost’s occupation I started feeling and hearing dead people.  The first one was my grandmother.  I was in the car with John and I got goose bumps all over, my hair stood on end, I felt a hand on my shoulder and I heard my grandmother’s voice.

There were no words – just her voice.  I can’t explain it.  I talked back to her while my husband listened in disbelief and then I felt her presence disappear from the car.  After that day, I starting having the same experience with other spirits that were lingering.  It was really freaking me out!

One day I swear I brought some home with me.  I finally said,
I appreciate that you want to come to me for help but you’re really starting to freak me out.  If you can find someone else to help you I’d appreciate it because I don’t think I know how to help you.  Please go away.

Evidently they listened.  I never felt the presence in the house and I never brought anymore misguided spirits home with me.

That doesn’t mean that it still doesn’t happen (just not in my house).

For a while now, when I drive south on the GSP and I reach exit 100, I get the chills, goosebumps, my hair stands up and I get cold and clammy.  It took me a few times to realize that it was happening at the same place each time.  When my top is down or the windows are down, it is the strongest.  I can’t wall up and ignore it.  Windows up, top up with AC running – I still feel something.  Without the AC I’m usually good.

I also smell different odors.  I get whiffs of people (my dead aunt Mimi) and things – that no one else can smell but me.  That’s when I know I have a visitor.

I’ve told some of my friends about it but it’s not something you advertise.  I guess I’m doing it now… a coming out of the closet perhaps.

Tuesday night I was driving home from my dad’s on the Garden State Parkway.  All of a sudden, I heard a frantic knock at my passenger side window.  I actually jumped and looked and deduced that at 80 mph there was no one knocking on my window.  Then what the hell was it?

Maybe I should stop sleeping with my Tarot cards under my pillow.

I don’t know if you have had anything similar happen to you… I’d love to hear about it.  Am I nuts?

Until the next presence crosses my path… Adieu.

© 2011 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010.

Related articles

• Can you really learn to be psychic? (mirror.co.uk)
• Invisible entities (reconstructingself.wordpress.com)

BENNY Bombardement: Weekend Invasion At The Jersey Shore

Bayonne, Elizabeth, Newark, New York

BENNY.  If you’re from NJ you know the word BENNY.  A BENNY is someone who lives in North Jersey or NY and invades the Jersey Shore on the weekends from Memorial Day to Labor Day.

Being a former BENNY myself, I travelled in the wee hours of the night to avoid traffic at all costs.  I was down the shore every weekend.  I would even sleep in the back of my Camaro if I didn’t have a place to stay.  Now that I am a resident of the Jersey Shore I find BENNYs to be a gridlock creating breed of tourists who are good for the economy but bad for my peace and quiet.

I won’t even go near the beach or boardwalk on the weekends.  The crowds are monumental.  A 5 minute in-town drive might take you 35 minutes or more.  It’s insanity.  My husband and I wait until Sunday night after 10 pm to attempt a boardwalk visit.  By that time the crowds have dwindled and the traffic is minimal so the boards are a good bet for a late Sunday night of fun.

This weekend was the kick-off of the summer in NJ.  I always have to work the Friday before and stress about traffic.  I have a 20 minute door to door drive to work that might take 2 hours or more via the GSP.  This Friday was a record for me (in a good way) – I made it home in under 30 minutes thanks to back roads and Route 18 South.  It’s a Godsend.

For the rest of the holiday weekend I usually sequester myself to my property perimeters, venturing to a neighbor’s or to the nearest liquor store for supplies.  I don’t dare travel within a mile of the beach.  Last time I tried to buy bread at Fortunato’s, I got stuck in the “beach” traffic on Mantoloking Road.  Needless to say, I never made it to the bread.

When I was a BENNY from North Jersey I hopped in my car every single weekend, could have sat in traffic for hours and if I left on a Sunday afternoon, it would sometimes take me 4 hours to complete a 1 hour drive.  As I get older I have less tolerance for crowds, traffic and annoying people, so from Memorial Day to Labor Day, I do what many other shore dwellers do.  Stay away from the beach and boardwalk unless absolutely necessary.

I don’t know if I’m turning against my people or I’m just getting crotchety in my old age, but the BENNY Blitz has only just begun.  If you’re my friend, welcome to the Jersey Shore, if you’re obnoxious, invasive and frankly a cavone, stay out of my sector and try Jones Beach.

© 2011 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010.

Related articles

• Jersey Shore Gourmet (culturechoc2010.wordpress.com)

Pussy Costs Money

No matter what kind of pussy you’re talking about, it’s going to cost you.

Let’s examine the possibilities:

1. Dating: Dinner?  A movie?  Making it worthwhile costs some serious cash.  Be sure your companion is worth it or worthy of it.
2. Health: Gyno visits.  Birth control.  Tampons.  Douches.  General health and well-being doesn’t come cheap – even with health insurance.
3. Pets: This is the one I’m talking about!  I spend a mint on my cats.  My new cat’s (that we rescued from a snowy parking lot in Warren, NJ in November) vet bills are enormous:  $750 first 2 visits.  $500 second visit and another $400 for an emergency spay!  Bailey:  Yearly shots and a lovely infection in his chin $350 and growing.  Peaches will have to wait.  Forget about the beaucoup bucks dental cleaning visits.  I’m broke.
4. Marriage: Keeping your pussy happy is an all-around task.  Some are higher maintenance than others.  Clothes, shoes, jewels, dinners, sex – and the list goes on.
5. Male entertainment: Dare I mention go-go bars?
6. Bullying: The school bully beats the crap out of you, takes your money – voilà.  Morale of the story… Don’t be a pussy!  Stand up for yourself or have someone stand up for you.  That’s how I got rid of my bully as a kid.
7. The Pussification of American kids: I hope I don’t have to explain this… but it’s going to cost money in the long run.
8. Female entertainment: We too, need to keep our own pussies entertained.  Did you ever read the book “Cucumbers Are Better Than Men”?  Not on the best sellers list – but good for a chuckle.

Pussy is power.  Pussy is expensive.  Is pussy worth it?

© 2011 J. H-M. and CultureChoc2010.