Childless By Choice!

Growing up I always hated to babysit.  It was torture for me to play mommy at 15 but I did it for some extra money.  Maybe it was that diarrhea diaper I changed at that age that swayed my decision or maybe my choice was made when I became a teacher.

The last time I remember dreaming about having babies was when I was still playing with my Baby Tender Love and ironing board.  I can’t remember wanting children for more than a day in the last 10 years.  I never got the Mommy Bug.  When my Aunt Mimi was dying in the hospital because she was brave enough to stop dialysis, I told her that I was going to have kids and I meant it.  After it was all over I lost the feeling once again.

After my mom died I asked my dad if he or my mother were ever disappointed that I didn’t have children and he told me that they never even thought that I would get married because I was always so independent and free-spirited.  He told me that they always knew I hated babysitting and knew that I frankly never liked to be around kids.

Even as a young child I always wanted to be with the adults.  Little kids annoyed me yet I was a small child myself.  What I could never figure out is why kids actually like me.  They always come over and try to get my attention.  Maybe it’s because I sort of ignore them.  I don’t know.  That’s why I think it’s so funny that I became a teacher.  I really do love my kids.  Maybe they give me the fix I need in the mommy department.

My husband wanted to knock me up as soon as we got married but I always had some excuse:  I’m not ready.  Wait until I get tenure.  Maybe next year. There was always a story.  Finally, I assume, he got tired of asking and gave up on me.  When I finally made the decision not to procreate, he said he was fine with it and that was fine with me.

I always said that if it was meant to be that I would have the baby – never going off the Pill was a sure way of NOT multiplying, so I never stopped.  Recently I thought I might have been pregnant and lost my mind.  I really didn’t know what I wanted to do even though I said I did.  I bought a test and it was negative – a relief for both of us.  I don’t think that my husband thinks I would be a good mother – but I KNOW he’s wrong.  I think I would be a great mother.

I know this.  I can’t hold a newborn without crying.  It tears me up inside.  Why?  I haven’t been able to figure it out.  The emotional unrest that (the act of just holding a baby) this puts me in, is phenomenal.  I can’t explain it or maybe I don’t want to explain it – but I think it’s the former.  Then it all disappears.

I’ve lost a lot of friends to the Mommy Club (you know who you are) and the list keeps growing.  I will never be 100% sure that I made the right decision but I think I did.  I don’t want to have my own kids and I’m ok with that.  There are so many things that I still want to do before I no longer exist on this earth and having a baby will not fit into my plan.  But is that reason enough?  I don’t know, but I have to live with my decision – preferably in a loft in Miami or a Paris apartment.

So unless God miraculously bestows a gift upon me, I will remain childless and probably die alone.  Although I don’t think having kids is any guarantee that they will be there for you.  I’ve seen so many  children abandon their parents.  It saddens me.

I give parents a lot of credit.  I couldn’t imagine worrying about another person 24/7 in such an intense way.  If I can’t find the cats (they are house cats), I panic.  If I can’t locate my father, I panic.  If I can’t find my husband (he’s either pissed off at me or ignoring me), I panic.  So if I had a child I would never sleep and NEVER stop thinking about them.  I saw how my mom worried about me – and I tortured my parents.

I like to come and go as I please and find myself drifting farther away from  my friends who can’t do that anymore.  I live as a mom through my bffs and know without a doubt when I’m with them, that I can’t wait to go home.

One response to “Childless By Choice!

  1. Bravo to you Jacqui! There is something to be said for both lifestyles. I can tell you my CBC family members usually have less chaos in their lives and more money in their pockets. 🙂 That is the pro-CBC argument. And honestly, more people should make a conscious choice to not have children as a see many parents who behave like their children are nuisance to them, etc… Of course, I am on the other side and my children are my life but I do respect both sides.

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