Today I was watching the news and was surprised to learn that there is yet another way to fix your boobs. It’s called the “Internal Bra”. You wear it on the inside of your breasts and it’s supposed prevent your mammaries from sagging at an accelerated rate.
What will they think of next? I always had small boobs – a 34 B – until I got fat. That’s where mine came from. Even after losing the weight, I still have a nice set. I’m puzzled that society has led women along this unreachable path of perfection. Look at the ads. Look at Hollywood. It’s almost impossible to keep up with the Annistons – and Joan Rivers – well she scares me.
Getting back to the boobs, I decided to research the history of implants and was shocked by my findings. In 1890 the first surgical breast augmentation was performed with paraffin injections. Tell me if I’m wrong, but I thought paraffin was a flammable wax substance used in manicures. Damn! If I had paraffin in my breasts I would be careful about standing too close to the stove or fireplace.
When paraffin didn’t work the doctors inserted glass and ivory balls. These balls caused so many infections that they became obsolete. Can you imagine having glass balls in your boobs? I couldn’t. Could you even lay on your stomach? Mammograms would be a no-no.
In 1920 the plastic surgeons tried fat implants. They stole fat from your ass and stomach and stuck it up top. In the 1940’s they decided that since women’s bodies absorbed that fat, that this was no longer a viable method.
In 1950’s America, polyvinyl sponges were implanted. I’ve seen sponges but never thought about inserting one into my breast. These sponges shrunk (shrinkage) and became the link between breast surgery and breast cancer.
In the 1960’s Silicone came into play through injections directly into the breast. Because of chronic inflammation, infection and lumps, this quickly fell out of favor but was reintroduced in the form of an implant in 1961 and by 1982 they were taken off the market due to ruptures, leakage and health issues cause by the leaking Silicone.
In 1992 Saline implants entered the scene. I guess it’s like wearing a water bra on the inside. In 1995 Soybean Oil Implants were introduced outside of the US which became toxic in the body and also had the potential to go rancid just like any other oil in your kitchen.
In 2001 the Brava Breast Enhancement and Shaping System was introduced. This was a bra-like device surrounded with silicone that cryovacs your boobs and causes them to grow a cup size after wearing the bra for at least 10 hours a day. Needless to say, this did not work.
In 2006 a gummy bear like Silicone was re-introduced into the US market. Why try Silicone again? They’re just asking for trouble.
Then comes the Laser Bra for enhancements and reductions. This surgery is like wearing a built-in push-up bra. A CO2 laser is used to create a smaller, perkier breast.
Recently Breform placed beneath the skin (aka The Internal Bra) seems to be all the rage.
So I want to get this straight. I want reiterate what women do to stop the “sagging” process. We’ve injected flammable wax, ass fat and Silicone. We’ve inserted glass, ivory, sponge, Silicone, rancid oil, salt water and now polyester. We’ve shrink-wrapped, lasered, lifted and removed tissue. The doctors have cut skin and repositioned nipples all in the quest for eternal beauty.
Now I’m not saying that I would never have it done because I’m quite vain and seeing my mom without breasts and her not giving a shit because she was who she was and she always said that boobs didn’t make the woman… and she was right. I wish I could be that strong.
In the meantime I’ll keep wearing my push up, cleavage forming grapefruit holders until I might someday weaken and become a plastic surgery statistic. I’ll also fight off injecting Botulism and other toxins into my face and body until once day I might succumb to society’s pressure and the quest for the Fountain of Youth.