As Christmas Approaches… My Emotions Are Off The Chart

After blogging about Christmas music yesterday, I decided to load up my ¡POD with some new holiday tunes and listen to them on the way to work.

As usual, I left my house in an utter tizzy, trying to feed 4 cats, get my lunch together and set the alarm.  I hopped in my car and plugged in my ¡POD – but first I had to wait for the traffic report.

As a Garden State Parkway commuter, I have to listen to the traffic BEFORE I leave in the morning because there is always some accident, rubber-necker or left lane dick who gets in my way.

I turned onto the main drag and saw something lying in the road.

Oh no!  A kitty!  OMG!  Someone just left him in the street to get squished.  Why do people let their cats out?

My eyes filled up with tears and I started bawling over this poor unknown (to me) kitty’s life and how his or her family would feel when they saw the lifeless, innocent corpse laying in the middle of the road right before Christmas.

What a shame!  Maybe I should get out and put it on the side of the road?  Who just left him there?

This is ridiculous.  I need to get my mind off the cat.  Ok.  I already heard the traffic so I’ll listen to my Christmas Playlist.  That should work.

That did not work!

I can only imagine what the people on the Parkway were saying about the hysterical woman in the faux chinchilla in the black BMW soaring up the GSP like a fighter jet involved in serious combat over a hostile territory.

They thought – no – knew I was losing it… and I was.

Dammit!  My eyeliner!

I tried to stop crying so my eye makeup would not be a total mess but it didn’t work.  I composed myself somewhat only to drift back in to a sob or two and one too many tears over the dead cat, my dead mom, my dead family, my cat that I’m going to give away so she can have a good home where she will be the queen of the castle and not just one of the many royalty milling around at Versailles, my marriage, my bills, my weight gain and then back to the dead cat and my dead mother.

And that was all before I got to work!

Ten seconds into Amy Winehouse singing “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus“, I started to sob uncontrollably and think about when I was little and how my mom and dad created so many great Christmas memories for me.

I remember waking up early on Christmas morning and creeping down the stairs.  Once I peeked into the living room and saw all the presents under the tree, I ran back upstairs, jumped in bed with my parents so excited that Santa came during the night.  I couldn’t contain my joy.

I ran downstairs with Mommy and Daddy checking to see if Santa ate the cookies that I left and drank the glass of milk alongside.  All that was left were crumbs and an empty milk-stained glass.

Santa!  Thank you for coming!

I  flew under the tree and started examining the gift tags.

  • To:  Jackie  From:  Mommy & Daddy.
  • To:  Jackie  From:  Santa
  • To:  Daddy  From:  Santa
  • To:  Daddy  From:  Mommy
  • To:  Mommy  From:  Jackie

and the list goes on.

I was always happy about Santa’s choices.  I loved my Barbies – anything Barbie!  I loved it all!  The only thing I never got that I wanted was a motorized, battery-powered car from Sears.  Oh well….

I used to mark-off everything that I wanted in the Sears Catalog so that my parents could tell Santa what I really fancied each Christmas.

Mommy has been gone for almost 6 years and it still seems like yesterday yet so far away.  And every year I get melancholy over my family who cannot be here with us on this Earth – but I do hope and pray that they are watching over us from Heaven.  Guiding us.  Protecting us.  Yet somehow celebrating Christmas in Heaven so they can be around family too.

Pretty soon there will be more of us up there than there are down here – if there isn’t already.

I usually start my holiday depression in November but somehow it seemed to be better this year.  What was really happening is my head and my heart were storing it all up so I could have a proper emotional breakdown today.

The funny thing is that I never stopped listening to the Christmas music!

My battle has just started.  I love the holiday season but often pine away for yesteryear and long to see my loved ones again.

I hope you can survive the same because I know my mom would not want me to be upset but would want me to celebrate the life that I have and the life that’s ahead of me.  I hope you can do the same.

Merry Christmas!

© 2010 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010.

Image: graur codrin /

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6 responses to “As Christmas Approaches… My Emotions Are Off The Chart

  1. You’re not the only crazy lady in the car bawling. I do it all the time and it sounds like all the same reasons you do (including some poor animal on the side of the road). Great big hugs to you, Jacqui, from this fellow bawler

  2. Thanks! I feel better now. : )

  3. Vicky Smith Markovic

    Thanks for the tears Jacqui! You know I’ll be bawling my eyes out at Christmas Eve Mas as they play Silent Night! (For some strange reason that is my all time favorite Christmas song even though it makes me cry) I’ll be thinking of you, Phyl, and my mom as always. Doesn’t help that I’m crying now. I do know one thing, your mom would be so proud of you and would want you to live for today and be as happy as you can be! cherish your memories and don’t let the sadness bring you down.
    I love you!

  4. Pingback: My Favorite Posts | Culturechoc2010's Blog

  5. Pingback: Favorite Posts | Culturechoc2010's Blog

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