Things That Make You Go F***! – A Reblog

If you’re going to be stuck in the house in a blizzard, make sure you’re snowed in with someone you actually like.  This will not even ensure a good weekend as many things can go wrong and Saturday morning takes a nasty turn.

I was so excited to be bunkered down in the snow with my husband.  I went shopping on Thursday to pick up some food.  I didn’t have anything in the house except crushed tomatoes and tofu shiratake.  So I went to Pathmark and spent $114 on essentials including some meat.  I had a wicked headache since Wednesday and I ran out of Advil so I asked John to pick up a few things at the store on Friday.  I asked him to buy wine, Advil and eggs.

On the way home on Friday I called him and asked him if we needed anything else and that I would stop and pick it up before I came home.  He told me that he forgot to buy Advil, so I stopped at CVS to pick it up.  Later on that evening I was cooking and ran out of paper towel and asked him to get me a roll in the garage.  To my surprise he informed me that we didn’t have any left.

WTF?  I asked you Thursday before I went to Pathmark.  You shopped Friday.  And I called you Friday before I came home to pick up any last-minute items.  Again WTF!  I bitched and moaned so Dr. Jekyll ran out to get me some later that evening.

The next morning John got up to make coffee and I trailed about 20 minutes behind.  The coffee smelled great and I couldn’t wait to make eggs with cilantro, swiss and soy crumbles.  I opened the fridge and asked, “Where are the eggs?”  He went to the garage and brought them in.  We had a dozen left.  A dozen.  Did I not ask you to pick up eggs and you didn’t?  So of course I started to rant and rave and as usual he immediately got mad at me and proceeded to make my day miserable because I got annoyed.

A day turned into a weekend, now we’re facing storm number two and Mr. Hyde has reappeared.  Thank God it’s Tuesday and not Friday or I’d have to drive down to the beach and rent a room, with WiFi of course, so I can be stress free for a couple of days.

I don’t know about you but I hate walking on eggshells in my own house.  When I talk, I talk too much and when I’m quiet, there must be something wrong with me.  I can’t win no matter what I do.  I cook, I clean (not according to him), I pay all the bills, I run the house, I shop for food, I feed the cats and wipe their asses and I work full-time, do home instruction and tutor on the side.  I used to coach cheerleading but I gave it up a couple of years ago to spend more time at home – now I’m questioning my decision.

In all fairness, I’ve never been the type to be up someone’s ass 24/7.  I need my space and my privacy.  I love my alone time and haven’t been getting enough of it lately.  When a woman does all this and takes care of herself, the psycho treatment is totally unnecessary and frankly daunting.

Enter blizzard number two.  Still stuck in the house with cranky, I start to drink early.  I’m feeling no pain, then my kitchen drawer collapses and all the forks, knives, spoons and other paraphernalia crashes into the bottom cabinet.  Sh**!  F***!  John spends the better part of the morning and afternoon trying to fix it.  We have a little lunch of oysters and crab cakes, a few games of Mario kart and then he heads out to clear the snow.

So John is out there snow-blowing and I ask what I can do.   He says “Put the stuff back in the drawer, but just essentials.”  So that’s what I do.  Ten minutes later I open the drawer and the GD thing collapses again!  Muther!  I poke my head outside to tell John who is furiously shoveling – he gets annoyed.  I scream, “Why aren’t you using the snow-blower?”  He yells, “It’s broken.”  Great.  Now he has to shovel the mess.

He was getting soaking wet outside and I was inside baking a ham.  As I basted my spice-rubbed pork with Sprite and other pan juices, my friggin’ baster falls apart and lands inside the oven and I have to fish it out.  What a day off!

As snow days go, it was typical and getting boring, but leave it to the brain surgeons on my block to provide entertainment.  I look outside and there’s a big truck stuck in front of my house, spinning out and grazing my mailbox.  As I look in the cul-de-sac I see a small white car completely immobilized by the deep snow in the street.  Who the hell would attempt to drive a low-to-the-ground car or any car for that matter, into a foot of snow?

My young car accident prone neighbor.  Beautiful but dumb.  The truck finally manages to free himself from the grips of the frozen mess and drives up the block.  Two minutes later he’s running down the street with a shovel.  What the hell was he going to do?  Shovel all the way down the street?

Yes indeed.  He shoveled and shoveled to create a path for her to drive into.  One by one, people started showing up to help.  John and I were looking out the window laughing.  Cruel but very entertaining.  The kid next store came to our door to dis them as well.  While we reveled in their stupidity the girl’s father took over driving, armed with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and proceeded to burn rubber every foot he travelled.

We decided to have dinner and when we went back to the front window, the car was now stuck in front of our house and the dad was veering head-first into a snow bank.  I swear someone was going to be killed tonight.  He was flipping the car into reverse without telling the two boys who were pushing him from behind and almost ran them over.  Finally he broke loose spraying snow all over the good Samaritans and fish-tailed up to his house.

The spectacle was over and now for entertainment we have each other.  Thank God Direct TV and Wii are up and running!

© 2010 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010.

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