Death Changes Everyone

Death changes everybody.

It changed me.  I’ll never look at the world the same.  I’ll never look at life the same.

When there are more of us in the ground than on the ground, life is depressing.  I’ve been sleeping for days.  I can’t leave the house.  I want to die too.

How do you get through it?  How do you survive the death of your mother or father or child?  You never really know until it happens to you.  I didn’t.

When my mom was really sick, just the thought of her dying made me ill.  The feelings inside me exploded like a volcano.

And then it happened.  Mommy died.  Mommy died 6 years ago today in her hospital bed with all of us there – and right before she closed her eyes for the last time, she managed to look each and every one of us in the eye to say good-bye.  I love you and I know that you love me too.

At that moment I fell apart.  Completely apart.

Sure, I stayed strong until all that nasty business of burying someone was over.  Going to the funeral parlor, picking a casket, picking clothes, deciding on a stainless vault versus a bronze vault.  Then off to the cemetery to walk around and pick a plot.  I had to pick a plot to bury my mother – and essentially my father – and guess what?  Me too.

We (my father and I) chose a spot on a hill, under a tree because my mom didn’t like the sun.  She hated it.  She loved its warmth but despised its shine.

Now I despise the shine of the gravestone when I visit her.

I miss her so much and often think it would be better if I were dead too.

I know that she was hate that I feel this way but I can’t control it lately.

It doesn’t get any easier as the years go on.

It just gets easier to suppress.

And I am a suppression expert.  But all those repressed feelings have to go somewhere.  Maybe that’s why I am miserable.  Miserable.

This is the one time when my misery doesn’t love company.  I just want to be alone and suffer in peace.

I wonder if I died on the same day that my mother did, if I would have a better chance of seeing her?

I think I might.

© 2011 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010


9 responses to “Death Changes Everyone

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t know exactly what else I can say. You seem really sad. I hope time will eventually heal your sorrow. In the mean time try to think about all the nice, positive, things your mother reminds you of. It makes life more bearable if you think about nice things instead of her passing away.
    And sometimes it’s also ok to feel sad.

    With love,

  2. Jackie, i just read this, and I feel your sorrow, boy do i feel your sorrow, my mom died two years ago, at my home, i was the last person she saw before she closed her eyes. I believe she wanted it that way, at my house with me and steve. She always loved it by us, in the country. The thing that helps me is that she is still alive in us. She is alive through me as your mom is alive through you. Don’t ever forget that and live your life tot he fullest as i know you do. Both our moms would want it that way. L ove always going your way maria

    • My my died the same way – looking into our eyes – but in the hospital. It was really hard this year for some reason. Some years are better than others. Our moms will always be alive in us. My husband said something to me after my mom died. He said, ” Some day when you talk about her you’ll laugh instead of cry. It will take a long time, but you will.”
      I believe that. Same to you and thanks. : )

  3. Just finished reading this post and was tearing up. I hope you’re doing better. Glad to see you let it out. Thanks for liking my rings. I create nice things to cope/heal/transform. And I really appreciate your comments.

  4. Pingback: My Favorite Posts | Culturechoc2010's Blog

  5. Pingback: Favorite Posts | Culturechoc2010's Blog

  6. Reblogged this on Culturechoc2010's Blog and commented:

    1 year ago today.

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