Death changes everybody.
When there are more of us in the ground than on the ground, life is depressing. I’ve been sleeping for days. I can’t leave the house. I want to die too.
How do you get through it? How do you survive the death of your mother or father or child? You never really know until it happens to you. I didn’t.
When my mom was really sick, just the thought of her dying made me ill. The feelings inside me exploded like a volcano.
And then it happened. Mommy died. Mommy died 6 years ago today in her hospital bed with all of us there – and right before she closed her eyes for the last time, she managed to look each and every one of us in the eye to say good-bye. I love you and I know that you love me too.
At that moment I fell apart. Completely apart.
Sure, I stayed strong until all that nasty business of burying someone was over. Going to the funeral parlor, picking a casket, picking clothes, deciding on a stainless vault versus a bronze vault. Then off to the cemetery to walk around and pick a plot. I had to pick a plot to bury my mother – and essentially my father – and guess what? Me too.
We (my father and I) chose a spot on a hill, under a tree because my mom didn’t like the sun. She hated it. She loved its warmth but despised its shine.
Now I despise the shine of the gravestone when I visit her.
I miss her so much and often think it would be better if I were dead too.
I know that she was hate that I feel this way but I can’t control it lately.
It doesn’t get any easier as the years go on.
It just gets easier to suppress.
And I am a suppression expert. But all those repressed feelings have to go somewhere. Maybe that’s why I am miserable. Miserable.
This is the one time when my misery doesn’t love company. I just want to be alone and suffer in peace.
I wonder if I died on the same day that my mother did, if I would have a better chance of seeing her?
I think I might.
© 2011 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010
- Losing The Ones You Love – A Repeat Performance (culturechoc2010.wordpress.com)
- Are You There God? It’s Me Jackie. (culturechoc2010.wordpress.com)
- Dealing with Death (markhmiller.wordpress.com)