Every time I watch that episode of Sex & The City when Samantha is giving a speech about cancer and rips off her wig to reveal her much shorter mane beneath, I think about the first time I saw my mom with no hair.
Every torn off wig in that episode makes me relive the moment which had to be so much more horrible for her than it was for me – but it didn’t feel like it at the time.
My mom was always so confident and not at all into that vanity shit like I am. She went out without her boobs, without her wig but with her dignity that she always maintained.
One night we were all sitting around the table bullshitting about this or that. My mother was notorious for her hot flashes as long as I can remember. Cancer made them even worse and covering up her head added to her internal fire.
Anyway… she said to me,
“Jacq. Do you mind if I take this frigging thing off my head?”
I said to her,
“Of course not Ma. Take it off.”
She reached for her turban and unraveled if from around her head and hung it over the back of the chair.
As I looked at my mother I immediately started crying as my eyes filled up with tears and my heart broke for her. It broke into a thousand pieces.
She asked me why I was crying and I said sobbing,
“Oh Mommy! I’m so sorry you have to go through this.”
I couldn’t imagine the pain of looking in the mirror at a bald head. The pain of going through CANCER and all the rotten stuff that goes along with it.
My mom was stronger than me. She never looked at it as pain, just a temporary setback of sorts as she energetically plodded through her sickness and took everything as it came.
When I find myself upset, I pray to HER to give me the strength that she had. HAS in Heaven. I’m sure God is putting her to work doing what she does or maybe he’s just letting her rest for a while.
I any case, I hope she knows that she has always been an inspiration and a role model for me. I hope that kids todays will realize how great their parents are before it’s too late.
I know that my mother knew I loved her but I regret so many things every single day of my life and I hope that she can forgive me wherever she is.
I hope she knows that sometimes I didn’t show my emotions (my defense mechanism) but I was with her every step of the way from North Junior High School when she found out she had the disease to Mountainside Hospital, 28 years later, where she left us so she can finally have some peace.
© 2011 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010