Where the Hell have I been?

I know, I know, I’ve been bad.  My blogging has fallen by the wayside because of my other, more pressing endeavors… Jacq’s Rox & Jersey Shore Gourmet – but let’s not forget my real job – career in fact – a magnanimous & entertaining French & Spanish teacher.

Oh – and let’s not forget ebullient.  Tee hee.

In any case, I have a lot on mind – some good, some bad – and my brain is often fried or vodkafied when I return to my quiet (only if my husband is out), cozy home – cat meowing and all.

My husband’s Uncle Joe just passed away.  He was such a nice man.  I’ll miss him.  Death puts me into my own reflective and pensive world – too introspective for my own good.  I start thinking about my mom, her death, her illness and how I could have been a better daughter.

Ok – the tears are here now.

I’ve written about my mom so many times because it comes from the heart and seems to be genuinely cathartic for me.  AND if I can help someone along the way who is going through the same loss, I’m thrilled about it.

Mommy will be gone 7 years in February.

I can’t believe it’s been that long.  It seems like yesterday yet sometimes so far away.  There is not a day I don’t think about her, talk to her, cry to her and ask her for her strength.  She was so strong.  I’m not sure I can ever be the woman that she was – but I try to be the best woman that I can be.  I think she’d be proud.

I want to share so many things with her every day but all I can hope for is that she’s listening to me from wherever she is and is channeling all her strength and fortitude my way.  I still find myself picking up the phone to call her.  Then I catch myself.

When you lose a parent it all makes sense.  Not their death.  Not their suffering.  Your own life, as crazy as it may seem, starts to make sense.  It’s like someone opened a window into your soul and you finally think about what’s important in life, in death and inside.

I will never stop missing my mother.  I will never stop hoping that she is pain-free,  at peace and watching over me (and my Dad too) as much as she can.

I think she’s watching like a hawk and still trying to guide me to make the right decisions.

If you knew Phyllis, I think you’d agree.  
My mommy is still here with me.  
From Heaven or from right above.
She never stops giving me love.
Mommy I miss you so.
I find it so hard to let go.
As I cry and write this poem.
I wish you were with us at home.

© 2011 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010.

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3 responses to “Where the Hell have I been?

  1. Jacq I know your mom is proud of you!!! She is always with you!!! You are a strong, beautiful intelligent woman just like your mom!!! Just by being you …thats how her memory stays alive!! Love you!!!

  2. I miss her too! Keep talking to her
    becuase I know she is listening. John

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