Monthly Archives: February 2012

Seven Years Later

Many of you know that I lost my mother 7 years ago… February 27, 2005.

Well, I’ve survived another year without her, another year where it gets easier to deal with but not any easier to accept.  

Another year spent privately crying and publicly tearing up at my weakest moments.  Another year wishing she didn’t have to leave so soon.

Another year watching my friends’ parents pass and feel every ounce of their pain, all the while wishing that they didn’t have to go through it too.

Another year hoping and praying that in some way, shape  or form, she can see me.  Another year stressing that she’s ok wherever she is and not at all lonely.

Another year hoping that she knew how much I loved her and how much I miss her.  Longing for her to watch over my Dad and I.

Another year forging ahead because that’s what she would have wanted.

Another personal day spent with my Daddy making the pilgrimage to the cemetery.

Today we placed a dozen red roses on her grave.

I left them there just like I left her in her cold, snowy grave 7 years ago.

Like she left me when she moved on.  She had to go.  It would have been selfish to keep her here.  She was in so much pain.

Now it’s my turn to be in pain.

Until I see you again Mommy… watch over us and know that my heart is broken without you.  I love you!

© 2012 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010.

Culturechoc2010's Blog

Ever since I lost my mother my relationship with God has taken a beating.  Frankly, I’m pissed.

I watched her suffer for so many years with cancer.  It weakened her body and her spirit and my faith in God.

I’m sad because she grew up without a dad to watch over her.  He bled to death when she was 18 months old.  I’m annoyed that she was not always treated right by her relatives when she was but a child.  I remember a story she told me:  She asked her grandmother if she could please have a  banana because she was hungry.  Her grandmother said to her in Italian, “You can’t have that banana because you’re not a son of a Grasso.”  What the hell is that all about?   I can’t even imagine my grandparents ever saying that to me.

I’m angry because her childhood was cut short when…

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1 year ago today.

Culturechoc2010's Blog

Death changes everybody.

It changed me.  I’ll never look at the world the same.  I’ll never look at life the same.

When there are more of us in the ground than on the ground, life is depressing.  I’ve been sleeping for days.  I can’t leave the house.  I want to die too.

How do you get through it?  How do you survive the death of your mother or father or child?  You never really know until it happens to you.  I didn’t.

When my mom was really sick, just the thought of her dying made me ill.  The feelings inside me exploded like a volcano.

And then it happened.  Mommy died.  Mommy died 6 years ago today in her hospital bed with all of us there – and right before she closed her eyes for the last time, she managed to look each and every one of us in the…

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Culturechoc2010's Blog

Every time I watch that episode of Sex & The City when Samantha is giving a speech about cancer and rips off her wig to reveal her much shorter mane beneath, I think about the first time I saw my mom with no hair.

Every torn off wig in that episode makes me relive the moment which had to be so much more horrible for her than it was for me – but it didn’t feel like it at the time.

My mom was always so confident and not at all into that vanity shit like I am.  She went out without her boobs, without her wig but with her dignity that she always maintained.

One night we were all sitting around the table bullshitting about this or that.  My mother was notorious for her hot flashes as long as I can remember.  Cancer made them even worse and covering…

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Survived another February 27th.

Culturechoc2010's Blog

I was just reading through some of my older blogs, trying to avoid cleaning up the kitchen, when I came across one of my first “from the heart” posts.  On January 3, 2010, two hundred and fourteen people viewed Losing The Ones You Love.

Today I decided to re-blog that post and also include all of the original comments that both friends, family and readers made that day.  I read each and every comment and really appreciated all of them.  They way you all opened up was wonderful and cathartic for me.

Grief is a terrible thing.  It’s stressful, sad, happy and so many other things.  It helps to read about others who are or who were in the same situation as you.

I’ve lost so many people in my family but losing my mother was the most grueling, tragic and heart-breaking of them all.

If you have a sensitive…

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Culturechoc2010's Blog

A photo tribute to my mother…

© 2011 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010

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