Category Archives: Humor

Is Monday a dirty word?

Now that I’m off for the summer, my days blur into nights, weekends into the weeks and times and dates are virtually non-existent.

Today, I even forgot to feed my cats dinner.  They ate this morning and have dry food out all day, but for some reason I completely spaced.  Maybe because Bailey, my male cat whose stomach can be used as an alarm clock, was snoozing at the top of the stairs all night long and didn’t bug me to feed him.

Anyhoo… besides vacuuming 2 times today, I did absolutely nothing except make 2 cocktails, drink them and pass out.

Yeah – that about sums it up.  My Sunday in a nutshell.

So now it’s 10:30 pm on Sunday night (I know it’s Sunday because Sookie is on and I know it’s 10:30 because I’m on my laptop) and I’m sitting here watching Newsroom, while Peaches snuggles next to me, trying to figure out what to write for my blog tomorrow and I’m coming up with nothing.

Partially because I have a raging sinus headache and partially because I don’t seem to give shit about anything for some reason.

I have nothing to reflect on tonight because my week has been filled with NOTHING.  Say it with me… NOTHING!

N-O-T-H-I-N-G!

Did I learn anything this week?

  • I learned that I have to shave ALL my areas daily.  I mean – who ever heard of 5:00 shadow on their legs?  Spending your summer in a bikini brings out the beast in my ability to grow hair.
  • I learned that like senior citizens, I now keep track of when I poop.  Furthermore I am jealous of people who poop everyday.
  • I learned – rather re-affirmed – that my cats may be the neediest pets on the Earth.  They don’t leave my side for a sec.  Why can’t they be normal cats who hide and hiss?  Not beg and cuddle and cry constantly.  I love them – who am I kidding?
  • I learned that I know nothing that goes on in my neighborhood.
  • I’ve also learned that I don’t care what goes on in my neighborhood as long as it doesn’t directly involve MOI.
  • I learned that with idle time all I can think about is sex and food – and don’t seem to be getting either.  Damn diet!  Damn husband.

But alas… enough of my rantings.  As you can see it’s a short list.

So tomorrow is Monday and I think I’ll go visit my dad and bring him food and pop over to the cemetery to visit my mom.

Monday WAS a dirty word.  It will be one again in September when I head back to work.  I relish my weekends then.

Is Monday a dirty word for you?

Boy!   I hope my next post is back on target…..

© 2012 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010.

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More ROOTS than Alex Haley?

When my husband tells me that I have more ROOTS than Alex Haley, I know it’s time to have my hair done.  Yes, it’s true, I’m long overdue, but sitting in the salon for hours and hours is not my idea of fun.

Losing a few hours in the chair is only part of it.  It will cost me +$200 + tip to get a cut, color and highlights and then have to wait a week for my hair to recover from hair-shock before I actually start liking it.  And the color?  The color is NEVER the same.  It’s either too blonde or too red or too ashy or too “not what I wanted”.

My hairdresser is great with color so it must be me.  I never seem to be satisfied with my “do”.  Maybe that’s why I wait so long to go back.  After 3 weeks my roots grow in but I tend to wait months.  Don’t forget about the cost of shampoo, conditioner, Keratin Mist, hair shine, silk infusion, root lift and hairspray.

As women we also have to worry about our nails.  I need to get them done at least once a month (not bad) and that’s not including warm-weather pedicures.  Our eyebrows, among other things,  need to be waxed.  We have to take care of our “stache” and buy a load of face creams, serums, collagen, $24 face wash, tightening lotions and makeup.  Don’t forget about teeth-whitening products and $45 body lotions.  All so we can look good and feel good.

What do men do?  Maybe some moisturizer?  Gel for their hair?  Men are usually not even concerned with changing their skid-marked underwear for a pair of new ones.  Most could care less if they wear brown, blue, black and beige all at the same time.  Yet even though the studies say, women dress for women and not men, we still want to look good for our spouses whether we’re 200 pounds or 100.

If I go out in sweats and no makeup, my husband says, “You’re going out like that?”  Make me feel good why don’t you.  So why don’t they think the same way?  Duh!  Because they’re men.  So ladies, raise your hands if you agree.  Try not to fault them no matter how much they piss you off.   Just love them for who they are…  farting, burping, loving husbands.

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

© 2010 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010.  Republished 2011.

My Early Morning Rant… And It’s Only Tuesday!

Last night I had terrible insomnia.  Without the use of much-needed Benadryl, I watched TV until I miraculously drifted off to sleep.

At 3 am like clockwork, my bladder beckons me and I roll out of bed, eyes half-closed, dragging my feet, but managing to step on my poor, little kitty Tia pretty damn hard.  Why the hell was she sleeping on the bathroom rug?

As usual 4 am comes early when you have a noisy husband who hates that his wife is home on vacation for 2 months in the summer.  Bang, bang, clack, crash, grrrrind, slam…. and he’s off… and I’m getting up to pee.

I rolled back into bed and Peaches joined me – she must have been looking out the front window.  I called for Tia – the poor kitty I crushed this morning – but she didn’t come.  I heard noise so I naturally assumed she was locked in somewhere.

Sure enough I open the guest room and smack her with door as she was eager to escape.  Poor Tia!

Now I’m really up.  Bailey is not even up yet!

I turn on Clean House: The Messiest Home in America – because frankly, there’s nothing else on at that time of the morning.  Maybe I’ll get motivated.

Oh yeah – let me text John and let him know that he locked the cat in the spare bedroom!

I thought I heard the phone, so I send another text and sure enough… he forgot his phone.  Great way to ignore me for the day!

Well, I might as well get the hell out of bed and make coffee.

As I reached the top of the stairs I noticed that the front door was left ajar once again.  I swear someone is going to come and kill me some day!

I also saw my tennis bag thrown on the floor of the foyer but no tennis racket (I guess that’s still in the car) – he must have taken MY car!

Yep.  The car’s gone and I can’t play tennis without my racket!

Oh well. I’m over it… until I open the fridge and realize that his lunch is still there but my marinating tortellini salad, that I made last night for company today, is gone.  I hid it in the fruit bin too!  So I guess I have to cancel my plans.  So annoyed.

MX@@#r F@@@XX!!!!!!!  XXXOOO@@XV!!!!!!

It’s only 7 am and I’m already pissed off!

So after all that ranting, here’s my recipe for Tortellini Salad.

Jacqui’s Tortellini Salad

1 lb tortellini, cooked and cooled
1 can corn, drained
1 can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 small garden pepper, chopped
a sprinkle each of gray salt, pepper, garlic powder, cumin, ground coriander and salsa seasoning 
extra virgin olive oil

Mix all ingredients in a bowl.  Stir well.  Serve immediately or refrigerate overnight to allow the flavors to meld.

Serves 4-6

It’s easy and tasty, so enjoy!

© 2011 J. H-M and CultureChoc2010.

Pussy Costs Money

No matter what kind of pussy you’re talking about, it’s going to cost you.

Let’s examine the possibilities:

  1. Dating: Dinner?  A movie?  Making it worthwhile costs some serious cash.  Be sure your companion is worth it or worthy of it.
  2. Health: Gyno visits.  Birth control.  Tampons.  Douches.  General health and well-being doesn’t come cheap – even with health insurance.
  3. Pets: This is the one I’m talking about!  I spend a mint on my cats.  My new cat’s (that we rescued from a snowy parking lot in Warren, NJ in November) vet bills are enormous:  $750 first 2 visits.  $500 second visit and another $400 for an emergency spay!  Bailey:  Yearly shots and a lovely infection in his chin $350 and growing.  Peaches will have to wait.  Forget about the beaucoup bucks dental cleaning visits.  I’m broke.
  4. Marriage: Keeping your pussy happy is an all-around task.  Some are higher maintenance than others.  Clothes, shoes, jewels, dinners, sex – and the list goes on.
  5. Male entertainment: Dare I mention go-go bars?
  6. Bullying: The school bully beats the crap out of you, takes your money – voilà.  Morale of the story… Don’t be a pussy!  Stand up for yourself or have someone stand up for you.  That’s how I got rid of my bully as a kid.
  7. The Pussification of American kids: I hope I don’t have to explain this… but it’s going to cost money in the long run.
  8. Female entertainment: We too, need to keep our own pussies entertained.  Did you ever read the book “Cucumbers Are Better Than Men”?  Not on the best sellers list – but good for a chuckle.

Pussy is power.  Pussy is expensive.  Is pussy worth it?

© 2011 J. H-M. and CultureChoc2010.

The Pearl Necklace

After watching Julie and Julia for the 100th time, I started thinking about pearl necklaces.  No!  NOT that kind of pearl necklace!  I’m surrounded by pervs.

Anyway, I was thinking that I have several colliers but not one of them are the real deal.  It’s never been important to me – probably because in my 43 years I have worn traditional pearls only once or twice.

The pearl necklace is the epitome of elegance and class.  It’s a shame that when you Google it the first entry is from the Urban Dictionary and you know where that’s going.  Do you know that Wikipedia even has a photo or two on their site.  Insane.  In any case, Pearls are incredible.

  • The pearl was my mother’s birthstone.
  • Pearl (Janis Joplin) was one of my favorite singers.
  • Pearls come from oysters – and I love to eat oysters!
  • Pearls are jewelry and baubles are good.

Pearls are like people:

  • There are different types of pearls:  Akoya, Freshwater, South Sea, Tahitian.
  • They come in different colors:  white, white rosé, black, silver, gold, pink.
  • They come in various shapes:  round, off-round, oval, teardrop, semi-baroque.
  • They come in different sizes:  5 to 13.
  • Some are natural and some are cultured.
  • They come in different lengths.
  • You have to take care of your pearls so they will stay beautiful.

We find Pearls in art:

  • Girl With The Pearl Earring
  • Woman With A Pearl Necklace
  • Portrait of Marie Antoinette

We also find pearls in scripture.  They have a history.  So next time you see the QUEEN of jewels around someone’s neck, admire them and treasure them and remember where they come from.

Pearls are like people and so much more.