Tag Archives: murphy’s law

Getting It From Behind

Little did I know that when I put my top down, cranked up the IPOD, rolled down the windows and started on my way home that I would be taking it in the rear.

I was driving home on the Garden State Parkway listening to Rump Shaker and enjoying  the 90 degree heat when traffic slowed down and I realized that there was probably an accident up ahead.  I was traveling about 20 mph when I noticed this jerky guy in my rear-view mirror tailgating me and driving like an ass.  I said out loud, “This A-hole is going to hit me.”

I kept driving along quite calm and un-irritated by the gridlock but I was thinking that I would be annoyed if it was a jam-up from rubbernecking.  I was almost at a full stop when the dope behind me smashed into my rear.

I started screaming expletives, motioned to him to pull over to the right shoulder and promptly dialed 911.  The guy genuinely apologized but I was so pissed off all I could utter was “it’s ok” and continue on my silent rant and check the damage.  Yes I had damage.  It didn’t look like much but when it comes to my BMW everything costs more.  The guy’s license plate actually made indentations in my bumper, scratched it up and took small chunks out of the fiberglass.  Shit!

I waited on the side of the road for what seemed like an eternity.  It was hot too and everyone was glaring at us as they drove by.  Finally a trooper arrived and I explained what happened, gave him my credentials and he was off to his truck.  He didn’t even want to write a police report!  Are you kidding me?  He said that it wasn’t over $500 worth of damage – does he drive a Beemer?  A little chip in my door from a careless driver in the parking lot was estimated at $495 – I can’t imagine what this is going to be.

While I was waiting for the cop to write his report I stood on the side of the road.  First my neighbor Ann called.  Her husband drove past and told her to see if I was ok.  Then Terry called.  She and Al also drove by and saw me standing alongside my poor baby (the car that is).  I got back in the car and all of a sudden a beige car stops on the shoulder up ahead.  Who the Hell was this?  A girl gets out of her car and starts running down the shoulder.  Amy!  It was my friend Amy!  She stopped to see if I was ok.  How sweet.  I’ve been laughing about it all afternoon – I wish I had a video camera!

A little while later I was back on my way home.  I was grateful that it was a minor accident and not a major one – the major one was up ahead causing all the congestion.  I am grateful for my friends that cared enough to call or stop.  They are THE BEST!  As far as my BMW goes…  I guess I have to wait for the police report before I can do anything.

I’ve never been against getting it from behind, but when it comes to my 330 ci stay off my ass!

© 2010 J H-M and CultureChoc2010.


Enlightened By Life: A List Of “Stuff” I Need To Get Off My Chest

Today so much was made clear to me.  As my shitty month progresses, I keep getting more and more pissed off.  Do you know how that say “It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on”?  Not in this case however.  I’ll take a little urine if I could give up these chest pain riddled, anxiety laden weeks of late.

I need to vent, preach or otherwise – so here we go:

  1. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.
  2. No matter how much good work you do at your job, you will keep getting screwed over year after year.
  3. Teenagers are horny bodies of hormones bursting at the seams.
  4. A man will always be a man, whether he’s 60 or 6.
  5. Male cats are men too, who skid mark just as much as their human counter parts do.
  6. I am a World Language teacher, not a special ed teacher – I am not that nice of a person..
  7. People sent to install appliances in your home don’t necessarily know what the F they are doing!  I now have a flood.
  8. I hate procrastination but practice it myself.
  9. My mother was always right.  I hate admitting it.
  10. I think I would make an excellent Dominatrix – pain infliction is premium.
  11. I hate phony people.  I wouldn’t want them to kiss my butt with their 2 faces.
  12. Food makes me feel better than alcohol.  Shocking but true.
  13. My intense ambition is often thwarted by people around me with shitty attitudes.
  14. I hate having my bubble burst.
  15. Closure for me would be beating the crap out of certain sub-humans.
  16. I want somebody to take care of ME for a change.  100%.
  17. I don’t mind peeing in a cup.  I just hate bringing the cup up to the nurse.
  18. I actually DO hold back.
  19. It’s better to take a mental health day than to snap like a twig and lose your job.
  20. Summer vacation can’t come fast enough.

So there you have it.  The same raving lunatic’s rants for yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Be well.  I hope my luck gets better!

© J. H-M. and CultureChoc2010, 2010.

A Raving Lunatic’s Rants Of The Day: Part Two

This weekend was a boring yet stressful weekend.  I stayed in the entire time (except for Friday) cleaning and cooking and being a good wife and kitty mom.  On Saturday, my husband electrocuted himself (low-voltage) in the laundry room trying to disconnect the dryer.  I heard a loud scream, ran down the stairs at top speed almost falling and saw my guy in the laundry room with blood spurting out of his hand everywhere.  It was so scary.  I felt like fainting from all the red.

Being the typical man that he is, he opted out of an ER visit for stitches or tetanus shot despite my urging.  After the initial shock, we went on with our “stay-at-home” weekend.  I worked out.  I made Sangria.  I chilled after housework.  All was well.

After courageously stepping on the scale Sunday morning, I decided that I HAVE TO STAY on my diet!  Everything in moderation time.   In honor of my impending suffering, I cooked a nice linguine in white clam sauce so I could “get it out of my system”.

I knew I was going to be cranky but had no idea how crabby I would actually become.  My poor students.  I was a drill sergeant today tolerating NOTHING.  When I woke up this morning, I felt refreshed – little did I know what the day had in store for me.

First I don’t know what took me so long to get ready (I was in fashion-crisis today), but I took a little longer than usual.  I jumped into my car to discover – guess what? – no gas again!  Already late, I had to stop at the Gulf on the way to the GSP and put in $15 to tide me over until I hit a cheaper gas station.  I raced up the parkway thwarted by every left lane dick in the tri-state area but finally made it to work with enough time to make coffee and eat breakfast before my home room got there.

The ride to work was a little bumpy, so I checked my tires in the parking lot to see if they were ok.  They weren’t.  I had a giant bubble in my tire.  Damn low-profile tires!  Now I had to call and get a price – and quickly.  Two tires at the BMW dealer cost me over $600 last time.  I was hoping for a cheaper option, so I made some calls and finally got a price of $230.  A bargain.  Sure.

Next I had to postpone home instruction because I didn’t want to ride around on a bubbled tire.  I e-mailed the mom and switched it to another day this week.  I couldn’t wait for the day to end.  I drove over to Red Bank (with fingers crossed) to order a Whirlpool Steam Dryer.  Of course, there was a 3 week wait from the factory.  My luck or lack thereof.  We tried 2 more brands and finally hit a bullseye with a GE.  It costs a little more but delivery on Saturday was the cherry on top (a good cherry).

Afterwards I was on my way over to see Alex to find out if it was alright to drive on my bubble.  The phone rang and it was my husband.  His car broke down 5 minutes from his work (an hour away).  That meant that AAA would have to tow it back down the shore and no work for him tonight.  OMG!  What was happening?

Happily they told me that I could drive on the tire (no donut for me) but sadly under 95 mph.  I stopped at Shell for gas and shot over to the parkway south.

Driving home I was thinking that it had to be Murphy’s Law or a giant black cloud looming over my head.  An expensive day in the life of a teacher who only gets 3 more paychecks until September 15th.  Maybe a summer job?  The hubs doesn’t want me to bartend or be social in any way.  Maybe I can start silk-screening tee-shirts earlier than planned.  What would be a good job for me?

A summer job where I can set my own hours and pay?  Lemme brainstorm…  Ah……

A whore perhaps?  Just kidding – I think.

© J. H-M. and CultureChoc2010, 2010.

A Raving Lunatic’s Rants of The Day

We’ve all had days when we are raving lunatics – some more than others.  I am at the top of that list being a hormonal, road-raging, cranky bitch.  When something sets me off, my whole day seems to go awry.

Yesterday, though tired, I woke up in a relatively good mood.  It was Monday.  I hate Mondays but I sucked it up, got out of bed and showered while my girl kitty sat on the toilet seat, happy to be locked in a room without the Alpha Male boy cat attacking her.

Dressed and ready to leave I opened my wallet to find that my ATM card was noticeably absent.  My husband borrowed it on Saturday and despite my constant urging all weekend to put it back in my purse, he did not.  In addition to packing my lunch and feeding the cats, I had to wake him up out of a NyQuil induced slumber because I needed it and his wallet was M.I.A..

Not being a morning person, he stumbled out of bed barely audible searching for his pants where his wallet was sleeping as well.  I went back downstairs and waited for him to bring it down.  Minutes later – nothing.  I opened my wallet and there it was.  He snuck it into my pocketbook without a word.  I flew out the door, already running late and opened my car.  It was stuck but I finally managed to pull it open and get in.  I’ve got to get that fixed.  Anyway….

I furiously started my Beemer and glanced at the dashboard.  “Oh my God!  He used my car on Saturday and left me with NO GAS!”  Even though I asked him on Saturday if he left me any gas (he said YES by the way), I was still running on fumes.  I had to stop on the Parkway because I didn’t have enough to make it to work which further delayed my progress.  I swore over and over, screaming at the top of my lungs in my car to no one.

Flying up the GSP at 85 mph I was thwarted by a line of left lane dicks that rivaled waiting in line at midnight for a new Harry Potter book.  So not only was I cursing my husband I also raged at the LLDs in front of me.  I weaved and darted in and out, using my turn signals of course and finally made it to work on time, but too late for me.

I made my coffee, ate breakfast and had a reasonably pleasant day.  Home Instruction was cancelled so I headed home to Costco and Target to pick up a few things.  By the time I got home the neighborhood kids were playing basketball in the cul-de-sac and I was ready for a nice glass of Pinot Noir and a little relaxation before I started dinner.

All of a sudden I heard a big bang, like something hit my house.  I ran to the front door to investigate and saw my neighbor’s kid retrieving a basketball on my property.  I screamed at him and asked him if he hit my house (knowing full well that he had).  He lied to my face and I went into a cursing rant using every expletive that had come out of my mouth earlier that day.  My last words were, “If there’s a mark on my house there’s going to be a problem.  We’re gonna have a problem.”

I stormed back in the front door (the cats were hiding by now) swearing like a bad-mannered sailor and made a beeline for the wine.  It gets better….  I couldn’t find the corkscrew.  Any corkscrew – and we have about 6 of them.  I searched all the drawers and cabinets, behind the bar, on the counter and no luck.  Where did John put the damn opener?  My tirade went into overdrive as I texted him and called about the whereabouts of the thing-a-ma-jig.

When the phone rang I continued to pontificate about my woes in the latter part of my day and I still couldn’t find the damn thing.  Finally I located an old one, opened my wine and began to decompress.

My husband called me later to ask if I was ok.  That was nice since he was the one who started by downward mood spiral and ended it by hiding a very important piece of equipment – at least important chez moi.